Ron – So you mean if she wasn’t… you would’ve said “yes”…
The stage manager came and informed that my cue was in 5 minutes. Five minutes… that’s all I had to answer or else…
There are always two faces of every coin… one is to believe you can do something and other is to believe you can’t… maybe’s don’t quite exist really. I was at the “Annual Scientific Congress” ready to present the paper on my first major project and my heart was racing like anything… and well somewhere in back of my mind I was contemplating “how in god’s name a person with stage fright will go and speak, add a bit of stammering to that and trust me… doomsday was clear as the sky on a sunny day.”
CHAPTER 1 : HISTORIES THAT MADE US WHO WE ARE!
Actually what made me this way was the silly incident! back when I was in the first year of my high school, I had this opportunity to say the morning pledge in front of my school and I went there holding the microphone for the first time in my life… unsure of whether to speak loudly or not… concerned about how my voice was going to sound over the mic… but I decided I had to say the pledge… so I started… few moments later I realized I was saying the pledge in a rather fast manner… the manner I usually speak with others.
Vice-principal came to me and said to say the pledge again… I did… but this idea that I had failed to give a simple pledge just made my heart race like anything and call it a little biological problem… when my heart races like that… I can’t think! So I forgot the whole pledge and I stammered in the middle… whole 1000+ students were laughing at me and my face went warmer and warmer, kind of like I got caught doing a crime. Sadly, at that time I didn’t have any guardian over me… my older sister was there but to spare my feelings and thinking that bringing that incident will only being me pain… didn’t discuss about it either.
As I said… no guardian thing sucks. If only I had with me my father to say “son, fuck those morons who were laughing at you… you go there and say the pledge again… if they laugh tomorrow… go in there again the day after that. But it didn’t go like that. Hence the kid who sang national anthem in front of the chief minister and the DME on 26th January, was silenced and tainted to be a shy guy.
In later years of high-school since I feared going up to stage… I became friends with the people who never went to center stage themselves… no, they didn’t have the stage fright… in fact couple of those guys went national in scouting, some went nationals in other extra-curricular… what they had was problem in speaking English! Where I’m now this thing of not being able to speak English seems like a dumb excuse for a 12 year old, just like my fear of being laughed… they feared not being able to speak properly… they feared what if we missed a line…or my grammar is wrong. But whatever may be the cause of it… that decision cost me my life’s every bit of greatness … there’s a saying in Sanskrit “…sangat se gun hot hai…sangat se gub jaye…“.
I became hostile to everyone who went on stage… every guy or girl who stood up in class to give answers was automatically seen as “above me” by me. I became distant to my closest friends. This continued till the 10th standard, when I met Ron and for the first time someone didn’t laugh at me for my problems… someone who taught me what I was depraved of in my childhood… the way of doing things.
Actually to say he taught me is a little far-fetched, what he did was… by not laughing or making fun of me… he brought back the confidence I had in me all that time. I could talk to girls and answer in class… even talk to my English teacher and well she was a peach too… since I was with Ron… whenever him being the class monitor wasn’t around… she would call me and encourage me. Needless to say the guy who used to score in 50’s or 60’s scored in 80’s and 90’s… well not in 90’s… u see… I still lacked the skills of cursive handwriting 😛
In senior year of high school Ron left and since I had only 1 best friend in whole school… things sucked …again.
It’s not about that anyone is good or bad, every person in his/her own sense thinks of doing right.
CHAPTER 2 : HISTORY REPEATS
I moved to Delhi for college and I had survived an incident before that… the last few years of being alone had made me even more hushed. And then facing the delhites… I was little confused as they all looked so forward on those TV shows which were set in Delhi (or any other Indian metropolitan area).
So, after the first few days of shuffling from one person to another… I found friendship from the guys who weren’t that forward. The guys who won’t go to center stage. The thing was, every person I met, treated me as them. What I was… hell, if only I knew myself! 😛
As I mentioned… the fear of speaking English in my friends in high school, here the guys I was friends with… feared talking to girls. Especially since our class has some good looking daughters of some caring fathers 😉 well… not to sound egotist… I didn’t share their problem. You see, I was bred in coed school… have 2 sisters, who are really cool and thanks to my idea of getting internet at home, are open to modern cultures as well 😛
What I needed then was a friend like Ron, who would understand the real words behind my quite mouth… but it wasn’t so. And the strange part was… after 3 months of being with my first friends in Delhi… I began to feel alone. Their world involved little studying and loads of travel… mine was staying at home and watching LOST on my laptop, or programming etc. 😉
And as in past… whenever I start feeling this odd one out thing… subconsciously my devious brain separates me from the flock. I was still with them but the percentage of time I spent with them were reduced to a minimum. And even though I felt like I’m doing wrong – humanly, it had to be done… but even though I can’t afford to be juvenile. But no one understood this.
CHAPTER 3 : SOMEONE IS WATCHING OVER US
The first year passed with me being the guy who ditched his friends, for a better set of friends… this is what they use to say to me wherever I met them. But I didn’t ditch them, all I wanted was to learn the good ways of doing things and if I get those from other persons… who’s to say spending more time with the new guys is a bad thing.
Well, people can think whatever they wanted to… after that I started sitting on the side where the most good looking group of my class used to sit. It’s actually interesting that in every class having two columns, you will always find one set who will sit on the left column and other on the right. And the teachers know this as well. I realized this just after few days, that the teachers started asking me the answers… in first semester, nobody asked me anything.
Now, as I mentioned… I was the only guy who wasn’t a member of the hi-class group. so, one day I was minding my own business… alone on the front desk, suddenly I heard my name…or better say I heard “look at that guy, how weird is he… always with the copies… and the dressing sense, who wears a formal shirt, a trouser and a sport shoes… how LS.” I was infuriated and wanted to look back and retort that girl who was saying this. But just when I was losing my calm… I heard the sweetest voice… saying… “Oh shut-up! He is very nice”. I was in dilemma as I couldn’t turn back to see the face of that voice… coz that would let them know that I was eavesdropping. So I didn’t!
As strange as it may sound… I haven’t seen anyone in my class mostly because I never thought that the girl from Delhi would ever be a tiny bit interested in a guy like me. And what was wrong with me? Well, I found that a year later from the same sweet voice girl “you look very over-confident, you don’t greet anyone, when I look at you I see a guy who can’t be trusted…”, but I’m getting ahead of the story.
For that time being… I just knew I wasn’t a boyfriend material. But I was inquisitive about the girl… and since that day I started noticing every ones voice… now a voice so lovely must’ve a face even lovelier… I told myself. The very next day… I heard her voice again… when I looked at who it was… it was only her in the hallway and me… and her friends 😛 but I could only see her in that red top… and pink complexion. I dint know her name and the first thing I did after coming home… was not what you might imagine 😛 It was calling Ron to tell about the discovery of the day.
Ron – ‘sup bro, so is she the one?
Me – yeah… 100%… didn’t I tell you, that with voice so lovely… she would be lovelier 😛
Ron – LOL, yup… now, when are you showing her picture?
Me – I don’t know her name… despite the fact that she is in my class… : |
Ron – No hurry brother… you will know it soon… 😛
And of course, he was right… the next day while our teacher was taking attendance… I was absorbed at when she will say “present”. And the moment came… her name was “Hazel”.
Now as luck would have it… after the first year, the hi-class group was history. And I became friends with a mutual friend of Hazel, she wanted me to be part of her group. But I couldn’t… mostly because I didn’t believe in groups… and other reason being… I was afraid… my gut was against me being with them. I told her what I thought in these exact words and then she offered something else… “Would you like to meet my friend “Hazel”? She’s almost like you… you will like her for sure”. And boy was she right 😛
However… for the time being, I said no. why you ask? I was stupid…that’s why 😛
Seriously speaking… I was afraid that how I was then… my first impression would suck and she would have a bad image of me… etc etc. And 5 months later… when I mentioned this to Hazel… she laughed her head off 😛
CHAPTER 4 : THE EARLY DAYS
After two months of getting the opportunity to meet the sweet voiced girl… the time of winter came… and one day… out in cold when I was going to our college canteen… I saw Hazel coming from the opposite direction… I couldn’t just turn back so I continued walking with my head down… I know how lame that sounds right now, but that’s exactly how I was back then.
Just when I was passing by her… the other girl came and said “hi… look this is Hazel”… shit… I said in my mind :O my heart started beating so fast that I literally thought I would get a heart attack. The sad moment was… Back then I had no idea how to meet a new girl 😛
I took my hands out of my jacket and initiated a “handshake”… that was weird for me… but it’s the involuntary reaction my mind performed. Talk about the 1st impression I was worried for… that was out of the window and into the gutter … Hazel, shook my hand and looked at me with the blank expression. Even today I don’t know why I laughed that day… it was maybe because my heart was racing… and I didn’t think before doing that lamest first thing you could do in front of a new girl.
And then… for the next three months… we didn’t talk much. Or it would be right to say that I was not sure if Hazel would ever see me for who I am… And not as the weirdo who shook hands on the first meet.
If anyone asks me when I was one hundred percent myself in college life… I tell them about the 2nd year computer department fest we had. And as luck would have it… that’s when I and Hazel met each other for the first time… without any third person this time.
Now I always believe that I’m blessed with good sense of judgment… so after my first talk with her… what I wrote in my diary and what I told Ron was “she’s me… plus what I’ll be when I’ll be in a relationship”…
Oh…and yes… did I mention she was committed? 😛
Anyway… I always thought of committed girls as needy, reticent and well kind of possessive and if I tell honestly – in this world… every relation seems fake and made up to cherish some benefits.
Well… she wasn’t any of them. Instead what I liked about this girl was the playfulness when she was happy… from what I was told about her… she was the quite type… but I guess it takes one to know one… 😉 And the dedication which she put in her event of the fest… just made me like her even more.
CHAPTER 5 : NOT ALL ROSES ARE RED.
What I didn’t know was… bad times were fast approaching. The problem with me is that I have a unique and found only in me kind of nature… which the normal people can’t understand. Lucky for me… she wasn’t the usual normal. After the first few weeks… even though I wasn’t with her most of the time… I just admired her more and more… and then the days came. : (
The seniors… they left the college and I felt lonelier than what I felt in the last 2 years.
As it happened in high school after Ron’s departure… I became distant from everyone. And that was the kind of nature… nobody liked.
In my 3rd year… she was the one who was the glimmer of hope for me… and sadly… just after the first month… our first dispute knocked the door. The problem… was of trust.
What she didn’t know was… I may seem pretty distant at first… but show me a little faith and I’m the dog who will die to save your cat. But you can’t tell anyone this in today’s world… and to delhites… never! These kind of things are better left unsaid.
I always see myself as a realist… so when she said “I doubt you will abide by your words…” even though I knew she didn’t realize how much that could hurt … I let it pass in the name of “6 month old friendships are hard to trust on”. But we crossed it and became better friends.
And even though she might have forgotten about that day… even till today… I have stood by my words 😉
After 3 month of happy times… I started feeling like she was still unsure about what I really was, it became even clearer when she chose someone else to do the project with. I don’t know about other guys, but I know who I’m and… even though nobody wants to see their friends call other person their closest friend… I prefer saying nothing. The only reason being… you can’t force someone to think “you are good”… the time you spend together watching and accepting the other guy/girl…does that for you.
And since everyone has different pace of trusting someone… I didn’t ask her to come back… which she took as the sign that I was fine without her. If only she knew… but then came the fruit of this incident… For the first time… I felt comfortable enough to ask her “why?” I broke my rule of not fighting for things involving the matters of heart. And when I asked her… she said “look, this isn’t one of your stories where the world revolves around your thinking … so don’t thing such nonsense… just trust me enough to know that I won’t do anything to hurt you”.
I remember the day as clear as the lines on my hand… that was the day… I understood what the value of true friendship is. We didn’t have any more misunderstandings… and if we did… we would not say anything hurtful to each other first then speak… an hour later both of us used to forget what was so intense that we were acting like idiots. She knew that if I was sad… offering me food will cheer me up and I knew if she was sad… well I wanted to never see her sad… that’s it!
CHAPTER 6 : THE GIRL WHO CHANGED THE WORLD
In the meantime… our time together was closing fast. And she was “Ron” of my college life. Far more affective as you know… I’m partial to girls 😛 But she inspired me to be happy… to face problems and to fight for what you want.
I remember the time when my instant response when someone I didn’t prefer to be with came was… I preferred leaving… then one day she noticed this and said “be the person who can face unwanted crowd”… it took me a year or so… but today I can withstand any nonsense crowd, rather quietly 😛
Then the issue of stage fright… she taught me how to speak. How to say things clearly and slow enough to let everyone understand it. Plus her smile… the best one… whenever I went to stage… I closed my eyes… imagined her sitting among the crowd… knowing that even though I fail… she will still laugh and that calmed me every time. After all… she looked her best when laughing.
The only problem was… I didn’t not know what to expect from her and what not to. God blessed me with a brain but while he was giving sense to understand emotions… I was probably sleeping. She wasn’t mine to begin with… and to expect anything ordinary from her seemed like a smear on our friendship to me. And then came Ron… with answers 😛
CHAPTER 7 : WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG
He is the guy who knows more about my emotional side more than anyone on this planet 😛
He asked me one day that “suppose you were to propose to that girl of yours… what would you say?”
“you remind me of my happiest times… the moments I spend with you feel like a ride I don’t want to get off from… yeah…something like that” – I said!
It was my instant response to his question.
So when he being praised that high… said “dude… that’s for sure love”… I was like… what the hell man… how could I even think something like that… she’s committed and in the field of life… I’m routing for her happiness with the guy she sees fit.
He gave me the example of the “note” I wrote for her on 14th of February – the Valentine’s Day’
About which I had told him that in the end of college… she’s the only girl for whom I’m always there… and since I never lie to Ron… he used it to tell me that maybe… I was in love with this girl. But I remained on my words and the fight of is it or isn’t it love reached an impasse.
The next day my stupid brain… overthought and I remembered how I changed myself because of her… how my mood used to swing just by her replies… so would it be right to categorize these things. I was troubled and I had no way of knowing for sure. Damn you emotionless freak. I laughed at myself for being so confused…
But on the last day of college life… she came to me and said… thank you for being there for me. I wish you find happiness you deserve and for the love of god smile when someone is taking your picture… and as per your friend… you won’t find someone like me… so you better not forget me… : )
I had this great parting lines in my mind that I had thought of saying to her… “Hazel, I wish you happy life as well… and I know you have found the one… but let’s say, just for the sake of saying things… will you in my perfect world where I met you long before college… have said yes if I had asked “do you love me?”
My heart stopped and I dared not to listen to what was followed next… and before she could answer… which in my worst case mind was sure shot “no”… with some kind of insult which would break every inch of my soul… I took her hands and said “have a happy life”… and started walking.
It was funny that when college came to an end… despite studying many girls… god had saved me the best for the last.
EPILOGUE :
I didn’t hear from her after that… her phone number changed… I deleted my Facebook only because I was afraid to hear the “no”. And concentrated only on making my carrier. Whenever her name came I would just make myself not hear anything.
But my destiny wasn’t finished with her… in the annual scientific congress… Ron accompanied me as it was the first time that I was called to present the findings. When I looked at the guest list… a familiar name stuck in my mind… it had been so many years. I was so nervous just by thinking… if she was there.
I told Ron about that and then he asked me the same thing he has been asking every time we had conversation that included her… “Did you love her?” I said… “She was committed brother…” to which he asked “What If she wasn’t committed… would you’ve…?”
The last five minutes and my heart already went from being confident to being so nervous that even the AC couldn’t hold my sweat. I thought for a second… and went on the stage… and as clumsy as I’m… I got caught in the electrical wires and fell down on the stage. Everyone laughed and just when I was picking my stuff… her face appeared…
I closed my eyes…watched her smile… and all went well : )
I don’t know if she was there or not… it didn’t matter in the end. But be it friendship or be it love… I remember the lines which I guess shah rukh khan said in a movie “true friendship is a kind of true love“!
I am glad that I met the girl with the cutest smile.
—–The End—–
A Caffeine Addict's Life! 